Helping Children Navigate the Loss of a Loved One: How to Prepare and Support Them Through Grief

Recently my family lost a treasured loved one. As we were and are going through the grieving process, I started thinking as to whether I had properly prepared my children for the loss of our loved one. My children are young but they do understand the fact that one day they see a person and the next they don’t and they want to know where they are. As they asked questions, I knew that I wanted to tell them the truth, as much as I felt like they could handle, while also not confusing them. So let’s talk about some strategies in helping your child with the loss of a loved one.

Answer their questions

Your children will have questions, especially if you lose a person who they saw frequently or talked to frequently. For example, when our grandmother was in the hospital and we went to visit her, they would ask “is grandma sick?” We would simply answer “Yes she is”. The follow up question was, “is she feeling better?” “No baby, she’s not and she may not get better.” For my husband and I, the truth was easier to tell them so that their little minds can process what is happening.

The day she passed we went to her home and she was in the bed and our children were able to see her. I know some people may not want their children in this situation, but we believed that our children would be able to handle it. They were able to see her one last time. So they came into the room, saw her and went to play! Just like children do. Later my oldest asked “where is grandma” and we said “she’s in heaven with Jesus”. We replied this way because we believe that to be true. Yes, they may not fully understand what that means but that also gave us another opportunity to tell them about Jesus and heaven.

Let them grieve

Losing a loved one is sad, no matter what your belief about the afterlife may be. Loss of life is sad. Children may express that sadness in different ways. My kids ask questions as a way to understand. For example, every time we pass grandma’s street they ask where is grandma or where is grandpa. We reply with the same truth as we did before. They are in heaven with Jesus. Your child may cry, or be very quiet or even act out. Be patient with them and talk to them.

I would encourage you not to shield your grief from them. If you are crying and they ask why, tell them and let them share those moments with you.

Prepare them for the funeral

This is a tough one. As we approach the funeral of our grandmother, I am thinking through how to explain why her body is still here on this earth but she is not actually alive. Can you see how this can be tough for young children to understand or how this can be hard to explain? My only plan is to tell them the truth the best I can and anticipate the follow up questions. Be prepared for this moment parents, especially if you are allowing your children to view the body. It is also okay not to allow your children to not view the body or attend the funeral. You know your child best.

My encouragement would be to have a conversation the night before or even in the car on the way to the funeral about what they are about to experience. Let their mind work through it before they are thrust into the situation.

To help them while at the funeral, bring their favorite comfort items:

• Blanket

• Small toy

• Favorite snack

• Tablet

• Coloring book

• Favorite book

This may help them cope with the loss and also get them through a long service!

Know what you believe

A lot of times questions come up about where we go when we die. Be prepared to answer this question as much as possible. If you don’t know or aren’t sure, feel free to reach out to me or someone you trust to help you think through this question. There are many beliefs about the afterlife and if your children have this question, it is good to have an answer.

Here are a few questions that may be asked by your child:

What is death?

Why do people die?

What happens when people die?

Where do we go when we die?

Will I die?

Will you (parent) die?

What will happen to me when you die?

I know this is a heavy topic and it may even be hard to fathom having these conversations, but as we live life, your children will experience loss. What will you say when they begin to ask questions? It is okay to be honest if you do not have the answers when they ask, but it is important to get answers to these important questions and have these candid conversations.

Final encouragement

I am no expert, I am not a psychologist but what I am is a mother just like you with children who are asking questions. We are in this together. You can do this. It’s tough, but helping our children understand something as painful and deep as losing a loved one is part of our responsibility. This topic will never go away so try to be as prepared as possible. Tell them the truth and anticipate follow up questions. Remember that this is not just a difficult time for you but for your children as well. Love on them as you love on yourself and family members. As always mommas, YOU GOT THIS!

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